Finally! After months of painstaking research and much conversation with non-resident Indians (henceforth, NRI’s) and resident ones, I have successfully compiled the definitive ranking of the various foreign (henceforth, phoren) countries where Indian diaspora are settled.
To provide the necessary background, one must realize that beloved though our country is, it is much lacking in glamour and glitz. Resident Indians who have never left the country sadly shake their heads at the materialistically fulfilling, but spiritually devoid lifestyle of their NRI brethren. Interestingly though, they tend to make a rapid beeline for aforesaid materialistic lifestyle if given the opportunity.
But having successfully transitioned to NRI status, it is considered extremely non-kosher to declare that you want to stay on in the country you spent so much effort moving to. Instead you must always say that you intend to “go back after some years”, where the “some” is very nebulously defined.
On the other hand, actually going back to India is considered even more non-kosher, and causes much shock and awe – like saying you want to drop out of college and then really doing it.
Now, having lived in two phoren countries and then come back to India (shock! awe!), I have also observed that all phorens are not equal in the Indian psyche and some have decidedly more glamour than others. Hence, here I compile a carefully researched ranking for my readership, so that they may choose the level of glamour that best suits them.
So, firstly, the three major criteria that glamorize your phoren land:
1) Wealth and shine: No country is truly phoren unless it obviously has mucho moolah with shiny-shiny buildings, fast-fast cars and big-big highways.
As the brother of my Philadelphia resident friend keeps getting asked, “Aap ka behen phoren mein rahti hai, toh aap Nigeria mein kyon rahte hain?” Clearly, Nigeria is not phoren.
Ditto for Russia, Iran, Brazil, and Thailand (whatever other appeal it may have.)
2) White people: The race of our former colonial overlords must be present in copious quantities to legitimize phoren glamour. Don’t ask why. It’s an axiom.
3) English: More a matter of convenience, but helps fine-tune the rankings as we shall see.
So noooow…without further delay…. we give you the rankings.
Rank 1: Take a guess, anyone!
Numero Uno! The Best of the Best!! Undisputed All-Time Champ!!!!
Introduuuucing…. THE U…..S……OF…..A!!!!!! (Drum roll and thunderous applause)
Nothing, and I mean nothing, remotely compares to the glamour of living in the land of the brave, the free and the morbidly obese.
Even if you live in a nondescript small town of Idaho, the aura of the USA surrounding you will dazzle all onlookers, and allow you to sneer with impunity at Bangaloreans, Bombayites and maybe even Londoners.
Rank 2: UK, Canada and Australia
Presented in no particular order, these are the Salieris to USA’s Mozart – all the right attributes, but not quite there. The NRIs living in these countries also exhibit the mentality of those who have almost reached heaven’s door, but not quite.
So, the NRIs in the US keep talking of “going back home” while applying for a Green Card.
The UK ones talk of going back home while applying to jobs in the US.
Similar behaviour is reported for those in Canada and Australia.
Rank 3: Non-UK Western Europe
So, that means Germany, Switzerland, France, etc. Not Hungary, Poland and all those places.
Shiny-shiny – tick. White people – definitely.
But language. Such a problem, the language. Can’t you possibly move to the UK? Or maybe even, nudge, nudge, the US?
Amsterdam gets a partial exemption since the language of cannabis and red light districts is universal.
Rank 4: Singapore and Hong Kong
Aaaah, we can speak English again. But what’s with all these Chinese people everywhere?
I mean, can you even make out what they are thinking? No, no, definitely not done.
Hong Kong is sinking in status as Mandarin is increasingly becoming the spoken language.
Meanwhile, Singapore has almost risen to rank 3, because of proximity to India and relaxed visa procedures. But the Chinese itch refuses to go away, it seems.
Rank 5: Dubai and the UAE
Immense flash and glitter, no doubt. English speaking - good. Also, Muslim. Long pause.
We are in serious bad news territory here, folks. Whispers of brutal punishments, second class citizenship, Indian labourers treated as virtual slaves. Plus Dawood Ibrahim and links with Pakistan (oh no, the Muslim connection again!).
Some phoren glamour remains here, but tinged with darker hues.
Rank 6: Japan
Once a favourite of the older generation, only a lot of wealth and tremendous shine keep it on the glamour list at all. Severe language problems and a worldwide reputation for xenophobia.
Plus, what’s with all the raw fish and cut throat prices, eh?
This is definitely a place where you can tell the visa official, “I intend to stay here a few years and then leave”, without having your fingers crossed behind your back.
So, what do you think? Feel free to suggest fine tunings and alternative rankings, or make indignant comments.
